text; un: realalanwake

[drowningman]

Hello.

My name is Alan Wake - if you have seen someone here before me who has said that he is Alan Wake, he is lying. That man is not human, he is a being of darkness made real in my image. It's a long story.

Do NOT trust him. He is dangerous. He has hurt people before and I don't doubt he'll do it again.

Comments

[drowningman]

Oh, you really got me there. Ouch. How long did it take you to come up with that, ten years?

the petty levels are off the charts

[tolduimapsycho]

Nah. That would require me to have thought about you at all during that time.

concept: a reality tv show but it's just them locked in a room together

[drowningman]

Oh, you're right. Thinking that long would be too hard for you.

I'd watch it

[tolduimapsycho]

Oh, OUCH.

What do you want me to say back? 'I am rubber and you are glue'? Are you nine years old?

[drowningman]

Well if that's the best you can come up with. Makes me wonder how you had a best-selling book series though.

Did you have a ghost writer? If so, maybe you should have them pen your insults for you.

[tolduimapsycho]

Oh, that's rich.

I was just trying to match your energy. But I guess I shouldn't be shocked, you were created to troll people, not to be likeable.

Don't you have a motel to be desperate in somewhere?

[drowningman]

If I have a motel to be desperate in then that would mean that I'm the real Alan Wake, wouldn't it?

[tolduimapsycho]

What?

Elaborate on that.

[drowningman]

"Elaborate on that." What are you, Alan Wake the therapist now?

[tolduimapsycho]

I mean, if you can't answer me, that's fine.

Goes to show that you're not very creative though, huh?

[drowningman]

[If Alan wasn't annoyed before, he definitely is now.]

I can answer you. How do you even know about the motel anyway?

[tolduimapsycho]

How do YOU know about the motel?

[drowningman]

Because I've BEEN THERE. You've been parading about Who-knows-where, America hurting people and tormenting my wife.

[tolduimapsycho]

Oh god, there it is.

You MURDERED people in that motel, didn't you? On video, you sicko.

[drowningman]

No. Not that motel - That was YOU.

I've been at a different motel.

Unless, let me guess, you were also there killing people so you can frame me as a murderer.

[tolduimapsycho]

Oh my god.

What other motel?

You were murdering people at ANOTHER MOTEL?

[drowningman]

NO.

I hate you so much.

[tolduimapsycho]

Of course.

That's what you were made for, Mister Scratch.

[drowningman]

Oh.

Oh wow.

You don't even know why you were created? You think you were made to hate me?

I feel so bad for you.

[tolduimapsycho]

I mean, I don't imagine that was the sole reason for your creation.

You were probably also meant to foment dissent and make people not trust me.

Oh. Sorry. Should I use smaller words?

u r to hate me and make ppl hate me omgwtfbbq

[drowningman]

You want to be Alan Wake so bad that you won't let this charade go? Fine. Have fun. It's a miserable existence and I hope you enjoy it.

Just thought you'd, I don't know, have more fun being liberated from pretending to be me especially since my status has no actual value here.

But hey, it's your life.

Over on Alan's side of the conversation.

[afraidofthedark]

[Okay wow this... has been going on for a while, between the two of them. Alice hasn't caught everything, but cuddled up beside him as she is, she's caught enough. And she thinks a break. Might be a good idea.

So she leans in, gently slipping between him and the phone a little, and cups his cheek with her hand. Looking at him warmly. And a little amused. Before leaning in to kiss him gently. Kissing her husband whenever she wants is a novelty she has been missing for... a long time.

Which is why she does it again. And again.

(She's just been missing ALAN. And to have him near her again is the best gift she could have been given.)]

Maybe you should put the phone down for a little bit. He's not going anywhere.

[Literally. They're all living in the same place.]