text; un: realalanwake

[drowningman]

Hello.

My name is Alan Wake - if you have seen someone here before me who has said that he is Alan Wake, he is lying. That man is not human, he is a being of darkness made real in my image. It's a long story.

Do NOT trust him. He is dangerous. He has hurt people before and I don't doubt he'll do it again.

Comments

[pythianwoman]

And there's not a lot of training. So you end up having to wing it. Which doesn't help with the proper qualifications, either.

Yeah. Yeah. Really glad you aren't, to be honest. That is not a casserole I need showing up on my front doorstep. Not that he knows where I live. Thank fuck.

[Yet. She might be re-enforcing her wards. To try and do her best to keep him out in case he does find out where she lives. Given how... unfortunately close his cabin is to her place.]

[drowningman]

You go to get certified and half of what's on the test wasn't even covered in the definitely legit online certification guide you spent hours studying. And then when you take the combat portion of the test they say breaking a beer bottle over the head of the evil doppelganger in question isn't Wrangler-approved self-defense even if you're in a bar brawl scenario. So they dock points for that. What a mess.

"Oh what cheese did you say you put in this? EXTRA SHARP cheddar you said? Sounds great." And you get past the crust of it and it's just blades in burger meat.

[Maybe Alan can figure out, I dunno, house arrest for Scratch and then everyone will be safe.]

[pythianwoman]

And when you posit that it is, in fact, really the only option when in a bar brawl scenario with an evil doppelganger they dock MORE points for backtalk. So that’s fun.

More blades than burger meat, too, probably. There isn’t enough cheese to make that palatable. Sharp or otherwise. But a pun in murder casserole form seems right up his fucking alley.

[drowningman]

Isn't it? The whole institution is bogus, but if you want the legal recognition then you don't have a choice.

I'd give him this: great for people with an iron deficiency.

[pythianwoman]

So you jump through hoops and mind the frankly ridiculous rules and bite your tongue when you have to fill out paperwork regarding your misuse of bar utensils.

[That’s AWFUL, Alan. But she’s also laughing at it.]

And the people who never minded how Captain Crunch cut their mouth.

[drowningman]

Inevitably, you end up on suspension because "you misfiled the paperwork" - but you didn't and it's just someone higher up the ladder with a grudge getting on your case. Again.

Oh no... I'm one of those people...

[pythianwoman]

And then you get stuck back in MORE TRAINING. That goes about as well as the first three rounds did because nothing's changed.

Oh no. Alan, no. Say it ain’t so, Alan.

[drowningman]

They remove all the beer bottles from the bar training area, but that doesn't stop you because you snap a pool cue over your knee and use that instead. They pull you aside again, but you say "Hey - What if I was fighting a vampire?" because it's a reasonable defense. They scoff because that's what bureaucrats do.

It helps me wake up when I'm tired or hungover. Or both.