text; un: realalanwake

[drowningman]

Hello.

My name is Alan Wake - if you have seen someone here before me who has said that he is Alan Wake, he is lying. That man is not human, he is a being of darkness made real in my image. It's a long story.

Do NOT trust him. He is dangerous. He has hurt people before and I don't doubt he'll do it again.

Comments

Back to Video

[tolduimapsycho]

[And the feed clicks on again. Another oh-so-serious look at the camera.]

See? I told you. He wears my face really badly.

God, shave, at least. Take a shower.

Oh wait - I get it. You're supposed to represent all the worst parts of me. It makes sense now that you've let yourself go.

Video Again - can't believe how realistic this childish internet argument is

[drowningman]

[Alan is so annoyed right now, he's this close *pinches fingers close together* to going into the other room and punching Scratch. Instead he gets on the video, and takes in a deep breath. Calm Alan.]

I hear what you're saying, but if you're the real Alan Wake then why am I the one cuddling with my wife, Alice Wake, right now?

[Alan moves his phone back to, sure enough, show that he is in fact cuddled up next to the one and only Alice Wake.]

Video - Right???

[tolduimapsycho]

[More mock horror.]

WHO is THAT? That's not my wife! Are you trying to mess with my reputation? God, what if she sees this, what will she think?

[This has to be really confusing to all the strangers on the network.]

Back to texting

[drowningman]

You're damn right she's not your wife.

Likewise back to text

[tolduimapsycho]

Exactly!

You're trying to get me in trouble with Alice, aren't you? Is there no low you won't stoop to? Is nothing sacred to you, Scratch?

my keywords have never been more perfect

[drowningman]

Wow, you're never gonna give this up are you? Alright fine.

Hey, Alan Wake. I'll tell you what I thought of your books, honestly. From a fan to you.

You're a hack. An absolute joke. What's the deal with your sentence structure? And your metaphors are way too dramatic. Have you ever heard about subtext, because I feel like the sexual tension between Alex Casey and his ten different love interests would have, you know, ACTUALLY been sexual tension if you did.

[tolduimapsycho]

[Well played, Alan. Roasting yourself is fucking hilarious, but Scratch is definitely not giving up, you're right.]

You can't touch me, Scratch. You're here to make me doubt myself. You're not even convincing talking to me as a 'fan.'

Ow, oh no, I'm wounded. I've never had a bad review before! My career is oooover.

Get a grip, Alan Fake.

[drowningman]

Oh, you really got me there. Ouch. How long did it take you to come up with that, ten years?

the petty levels are off the charts

[tolduimapsycho]

Nah. That would require me to have thought about you at all during that time.

concept: a reality tv show but it's just them locked in a room together

[drowningman]

Oh, you're right. Thinking that long would be too hard for you.

I'd watch it

[tolduimapsycho]

Oh, OUCH.

What do you want me to say back? 'I am rubber and you are glue'? Are you nine years old?

[drowningman]

Well if that's the best you can come up with. Makes me wonder how you had a best-selling book series though.

Did you have a ghost writer? If so, maybe you should have them pen your insults for you.

[tolduimapsycho]

Oh, that's rich.

I was just trying to match your energy. But I guess I shouldn't be shocked, you were created to troll people, not to be likeable.

Don't you have a motel to be desperate in somewhere?

[drowningman]

If I have a motel to be desperate in then that would mean that I'm the real Alan Wake, wouldn't it?

[tolduimapsycho]

What?

Elaborate on that.

[drowningman]

"Elaborate on that." What are you, Alan Wake the therapist now?

[tolduimapsycho]

I mean, if you can't answer me, that's fine.

Goes to show that you're not very creative though, huh?

[drowningman]

[If Alan wasn't annoyed before, he definitely is now.]

I can answer you. How do you even know about the motel anyway?

[tolduimapsycho]

How do YOU know about the motel?

[drowningman]

Because I've BEEN THERE. You've been parading about Who-knows-where, America hurting people and tormenting my wife.

[tolduimapsycho]

Oh god, there it is.

You MURDERED people in that motel, didn't you? On video, you sicko.

[drowningman]

No. Not that motel - That was YOU.

I've been at a different motel.

Unless, let me guess, you were also there killing people so you can frame me as a murderer.

[tolduimapsycho]

Oh my god.

What other motel?

You were murdering people at ANOTHER MOTEL?

[drowningman]

NO.

I hate you so much.

[tolduimapsycho]

Of course.

That's what you were made for, Mister Scratch.